Since I began blogging this date has come up before, so instead of coming up with something new, I'm going to share this story again from December of 2 years ago.
UNEXPECTED
Two days ago, I ran into Barnes & Noble for a last minute gift. I was sending out a Christmas package to my parents and it needed to go out that day in order to make it in time for Christmas. But I can't go into a bookstore without stopping in the children's section, or browsing through the clearance books. This day was no different.
I picked up a copy of Billy Crystal's "I Already Know I Love You." I read a page or two, then flipped a few more. Without warning, my eyes began to fill with tears. I blinked to hold them back and felt a stinging sensation. The author described the anticipation of waiting for his grandbaby. He was looking forward to playing peek-a-boo, & taking him to his first ballgame. I turned to the last page.
"I'm going to be your grandpa, and I can hardly wait."
I was not prepared for the intense emotion that swelled inside. I turned the book over. The sticker read $16.95. I can't pay that much for a book right now. But I tucked it under my arm and walked to the counter to pay.
I busied myself with watching shoppers wait in the checkout line. I chuckled to myself when I saw an employee at the front of the line holding a basket. She was offering chocolate candy for all who'd been standing, waiting to pay for their books. (They apparently agree with me, that chocolate should be admistered for stress relief.) As I passed, I accepted her bit of chocolate.
The day was a bit chilly, so I hurried to the car. During my brisk walk, I mentally tried to figure out what else I needed to do after my trip to the post office. I was frustrated. Why did I always and consistently leave things to the last minute? I quickly jumped in the car. While I was pulling out of the parking lot, tears unexpectedly began blurring my vision. I swiped at my eyes with my leather glove. Not very absorbent.
What is wrong with me? I wondered. I do not cry easily. I've never been an overly emotional person. But here I was, crying on the way home after picking up a children's book. I normally analyze things like this. I like to know what exactly triggers such a strong emotion. When I am very busy, or under stress, I can't say that I am always in tune with my feelings. I like to tuck them neatly away, until I have time to sort through and process. I can deal with it and move on. Right then, I didn't have time.
I pulled off my gloves, grabbed a tissue, and dried my eyes. I tried to focus on all of the things I needed to do, but I couldn't distract myself. And what was I going to do with this book anyway? I was going to give it to my husband to give to our grandson for Christmas. The image of the two of them on Michael's riding lawn mower settled into my thoughts. I cried harder.
When our daughter announced her pregnancy, it wasn't at the best of times. She had made a stand of purity and chose not to date in high school. Here she was, at 20, unmarried, telling us the news.
She had friends who told her it wouldn't be convenient to have a child and that she didn't have to. But like me, she values life. She was going to be a mom. Michael and & I were going to be grandparents.
When I arrived home, I picked up my bag of books and went inside. I tried to put the book aside while I packed up the box I needed to ship. I found it hard to function with tears just under the surface, stinging my eyes. I got the book out to present to Michael. I went to him, but found I couldn't speak. I just stood there, holding this book. I opened my mouth, but the only thing that came was tears. I waited. This was too hard. I finally blurted out, "I got this book for you to give to Ethan for Christmas. I know it was dumb, but I did." Hurriedly, I retreated to my room to finish the package.
Why am I such a wreck? I thought back to when my daughter was pregnant. I remembered that although we hadn't anticpated being grandparents yet, I dreamed about spending time with this new little one. I imagined things like baking cookies together, the laughter we'd share. I bought lots of books to read to him. I thought of the times I'd answer his questions of why, and tell him about God who created him. But I never imagined that Ethan might not understand these things, nor that there would be so many unknowns. I didn't think that at age 3 I'd still be waiting to hear him say, "gramma."
Michael came in the room. He wrapped his arms around me and I cried into his shoulder. I told him I didn't know what I was thinking when I picked up the book and that I would take it back to the store. He said no. We sat in silence. Once again I dried my tears. "Do you think I should just give it to him, or what?" He asked. "Aren't you afraid he will ruin the book?" I told him it would be ok. He could sit and read the book to Ethan. It didn't matter that Ethan didn't understand a word of it. The words were still true. We DID wait with much anticipation for his arrival. We did and still do look forward to spending time with him, teaching him new things, sharing and experiencing moments together. It is just different than what we'd imagined.
8 comments:
I'm just sitting here smiling, knowing, from what you've shared with us through your blog, how Ethan has blessed you so much! And I picture him running to that closet first thing when he comes to your house, and remembering that post you wrote about him driving his little tractor while Grandpa drove the big one.
Tears cam while I read this post because I could relate it all to our relationship with our son who has Down Syndrome. The expectations of life with our son were not going to happen, but God doesn't make mistakes and we to learn to play the hand He deals us. It's our choice to either live in mourning and miss out, or to find enjoyment and let ourselves be fulfilled with the love that is there for the taking.
Joanne, thank you for sharing this story. You sound like a wonderful Grandma -- the kind I hope to be! I can tell you love him very much.
P.S. I watched an interview with Crystal and he was talking about that book and his grandchild. I will have to look for it sometime!
Bittersweet, one of chocolate's best flavors! I started to cry when I read this! My daughter became pregnant from an attempted rape by a "friend" in college. She had also kept herself pure, no dating. Although we were all devastated, we believed that God had allowed it to happen. And who are we to refute that? Anyway, as you can guess, that precious baby has been the best of gifts. You have been so blessed!
Ann, thank-you for your very sweet words. You are such an encouragement to me.
Kristin, you are going to love being a grandma and you'll make a great one.
Linda, I enjoyed browsing your blog. Looking forward to reading more.
Thank-you annonymous. Bittersweet can be a wonderful flavor all its own.
This touched me deeply. Every word you wrote is filled with the love you have for that little boy. You are an awesome grandmother
As you already know, we have one of God's special blessings too. Aren't they something? :o)
My first grandbaby is still in God's knowledge only, but I look forward to him/her already. Whom ever this little one will be, will be loved beyond words.
I pray that my first grandchild is born to my child who is already within a strong marriage relationship. We have spoken to all our children about this. We have also told them that if one of them becomes pregnant or is to be a daddy before marriage, that we want to know, that we want the child to always know that it was loved from the start, no matter the circumstances of it's conception.
Purity is still the main focus, but if that purity is gone, whether by choice or by force, our child and our grandchild are more important than the loss of the ideal. I'm glad your daughter and grandson are blessed to have you and you are blessed to have them.
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