Thursday, March 12, 2020

Happy Birthday To Me!

I had to cancel my birthday. You know, the Corona Virus, Covid 19. I have never planned a birthday party for myself but this year I thought it would be fun to have a party for the grandkids. Sweetie Aspen asked if I was going to have balloons at my birthday. That was when the idea came to me. Of course we are having balloons, and games and prizes and party bags.

But Covid 19 happened.

Last year I canceled my birthday. Well, not exactly but we had that crazy snow thing nobody had ever heard of. The Bomb Cyclone of 2019, March 13th. Last year, on March 12th, I posted this on Facebook:

I was sitting on my porch at 65 degrees enjoying the beautiful weather and waiting for Ethan’s school bus. I'm thinking finally its spring and opened some windows in my house. All of the sudden I’m hearing reports of this huge storm canceled flights school closings etc. I check the local news and they are expecting a “bomb blizzard”???? What in the world?

In 2015, my mother-in-law was dying and passed 2 days later. We skipped my birthday that year too. Didn't feel much like celebrating.

I want to be 50 again. In 2012, we had quite the celebration. I looked back at pictures and I laughed a lot. But if I went back to 50 I'd go back to having only 1 grandchild instead of almost 13! I guess I will just skip the birthday til I can just have a regular party with the grands.

Happy Birthday To Me.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

Sunday, September 22, 2019

God Will Make A Way

I was praying tonight when this song popped into my head. It came out in 1987, by Don Moen, but I remember every word. I don't think I'm the only one who needs to hear

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me

He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and Earth will fade but His word will still remain
And He will do something new today

Oh, God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me

He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way

Monday, July 01, 2019

Head Injuries

In my Facebook memories some pictures popped up today.
 "I lost that one""

"I felt the back of my head...they tend to bleed a lot. Must have hit some gravel."

I continued taking pictures of myself. Unfortunately, when you have a head injury you don't think clearly. When my daughter suggested I go to the ER I told her "heads bleed a lot. If it doesn't stop, I will go in."

It did stop bleeding and the four of us sat down and ate dinner. It's disturbing to me to think we did this and I never even changed my clothes. I'm sure my family really didn't know what to do. I've always been pretty self sufficient and they trusted me when I said "I'm okay."

Shortly after dinner, I went to bed.  In the morning, I got out of bed and realized things were NOT normal. I couldn't walk straight. I was dizzy. I ran into the wall. I was scared. I got up and sat in a chair waiting for Michael to wake up.

When he did, I told him I thought I needed to to go the ER as something was wrong. So he took me.  After many hours and tests, the doctors suggested I stay over night for observation since I still walked like a drunken sailor no matter how hard I focused and tried to walk a straight line down the hallway.

I sat there as my sweet husband told them, "no she wants to go home." I was confused. We had not discussed this, nor had I said this. Later I realized he was going off of my "normal" self.  I don't like taking meds I want to be at home etc. But this time, I hear his voice saying "No she wants to go home" and my head is spinning. I want to say, "no! something is terribly wrong! Please don't send me home, nobody is there to take care of me." But I say nothing. I sit there. I'm confused. I desperately want someone to take care of me. I vaguely recall when I was last under anesthesia for a bone graft and post placement for a dental implant. Apparently on the way home I wanted a Starbucks and I had to go to the bathroom. I have absolutely no recollection of it, but was told later that I went into the store by myself wearing the icepack around my head. Later at home I asked about the icepack and where it was and was told, well you took it off. This is from someone who trusts me and trusts that I have a clue what I'm doing. When you are under anesthesia or head injury or many other instances, the person no matter how trustworthy, cannot be trusted. They need someone to take care of them, to make decisions for them, to help them, to step in when they aren't really making sense and even when they are they still need help.

I was scared, but reluctantly went home.  I slept 8-10 hours at night, then would take a 4-6 hour nap every day. This is so not me.  After a few days knowing something was terribly wrong, I asked to be taken to the doctor. True to my normal self, my sweet husband drove me but then dropped me off thinking I'd prefer to go by myself. Yes, under normal circumstances, but these were not normal times. I don't recall him even asking just assuming I was my normal self. Sadly, because of my head injury I wasn't able to express myself and I was scared to tell him I couldn't go by myself. I felt like such a failure. I got out of the car and went to the appointment myself.

I will end here as I don't see a reason to continue about the failures of my doctors and my own failures not being able to advocate for myself. The reason I am posting is to say, if you have a loved one who has a possible head injury do NOT trust what they say or what is their usual normal. Please get them help and help them in every way you can. If they get angry/beligerent and that is not their normal, please know it is not them it is the injury.

Thursday, February 21, 2019

Miss Me

I miss writing. I miss blogging. I miss me. That's right, I miss me.

I went to San Diego at the end of January and came home sick. I'm still sick. The weird thing is that a few days ago I looked in the mirror and I did not recognize the face I was looking at. Seriously. I studied it and I didn't remember it.

Have you ever known an old person that you never knew when they were young? You see a picture of their younger self and you don't recognize that face as they've always looked the way they do now to you. 

That is the face I saw looking at me in the mirror. It was as if this gentle, older lady, with kind eyes but no eye lashes smiled sweetly at me. But it wasn't me. Who is that?

For the next couple of days, I did the same thing looking into that mirror. I was kind of confused. How could I change overnight? I mean, I am being treated for pre cancerous skin lesions and a squamous carcinoma on my face but could it make me look unrecognizable?

It makes me kind of sad that I don't see myself. Will it always be this way? Just curious, am I the only one who has experienced this? I've never heard anyone else talk about it. Let me know if you have any insight.

Thanks peeps.

Sunday, August 19, 2018

The Little Things

I called my dad tonight. Earth shattering, I know. I was cleaning up the kitchen and took the time to set the coffee pot to brew that special elixir for when I need to wake up in the morning-an hour before last friday and several hours before I would normally crawl out of bed.

I programed the coffee maker, but instead of the set button pushed start. A few seconds later I hear it starting to brew. I immediately shut it off. What to do? Let it finish brewing and rewarm in the morning or leave it half-brewed and let it finish in the morning? I was frustrated. What to do?

I called my dad. Funny thing. Instead of sitting at home, watching the ball game as I'd expect, he and mom were eating dinner. At a restaurant. Sheesh, sorry dad, but this is what happened, what should I do? Let the coffee finish brewing and reheat in the morning or stop it, even though it already started, and let it finish in the morning?

Like I said. Earth shattering.

Sometimes, sometimes when life is difficult, when you've had too many major decisions to make, you fall apart on the easy ones. You look to your your dad, or mom for help. It's like you are a little kid again and you just want them to fix everything for you.  Sometimes though, they can't. But it is who you turn to.

It's funny, the coffee pot I have is the one my mom and dad bought me years ago. I quit using it in favor of cold brew coffee-less acid and superb for creating a most perfect latte. But after a last minute trip to visit my mom and dad in July, I began to rethink my coffee habits. Every morning Dad and I drank fresh brewed coffee and sometimes reheated the next day. My stomach felt better with the black elixir, hot or reheated than when I drink lattes.

The phone call was probably not about the coffee at all. It was about the connection, the love. I want to know I am doing okay, that I haven't failed at everything, that it is okay to reheat the coffee even though I was going for fresh brewed. It's okay that I have to get up at an ungodly hour, its for a good reason. Did I mention someone I know was driving his motorcycle home from work on Thursday night, hit a deer, and yesterday passed from this life? Two boys lost their father. I don't know what today or tomorrow holds. I'm thankful that I know who holds my hand. I'm thankful that I can call my dad and ask him about coffee.

Wednesday, May 02, 2018

Miss You

I miss being here. I miss being real. So much has happened in my life and I miss being able to share my experiences. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and I just might come back and start blogging again. I need to process and what better way than here. I miss connecting here. I miss me.

Tuesday, January 09, 2018

No Title

Sometimes, you look for a friend, and there is none.

Sometimes, you need a listening ear and there is none.

Sometimes, you are at the edge, you wonder if anyone cares, and there is no one.

And then...

there is a whisper....

He is a friend,

He is a listening ear,

He cares,

He is more than someone,

His name is Jesus.