Happy Birthday To Me!

I had to cancel my birthday. You know, the Corona Virus, Covid 19. I have never planned a birthday party for myself but this year I thought it would be fun to have a party for the grandkids. Sweetie Aspen asked if I was going to have balloons at my birthday. That was when the idea came to me. Of course we are having balloons, and games and prizes and party bags.

But Covid 19 happened.

Last year I canceled my birthday. Well, not exactly but we had that crazy snow thing nobody had ever heard of. The Bomb Cyclone of 2019, March 13th. Last year, on March 12th, I posted this on Facebook:

I was sitting on my porch at 65 degrees enjoying the beautiful weather and waiting for Ethan’s school bus. I'm thinking finally its spring and opened some windows in my house. All of the sudden I’m hearing reports of this huge storm canceled flights school closings etc. I check the local news and they are expecting a “bomb blizzard”???? What in the world?

In 2015, my mother-in-law was dying and passed 2 days later. We skipped my birthday that year too. Didn't feel much like celebrating.

I want to be 50 again. In 2012, we had quite the celebration. I looked back at pictures and I laughed a lot. But if I went back to 50 I'd go back to having only 1 grandchild instead of almost 13! I guess I will just skip the birthday til I can just have a regular party with the grands.

Happy Birthday To Me.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

God Will Make A Way

I was praying tonight when this song popped into my head. It came out in 1987, by Don Moen, but I remember every word. I don't think I'm the only one who needs to hear
this.

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me

He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and Earth will fade but His word will still remain
And He will do something new today

Oh, God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me

He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way

Head Injuries

In my Facebook memories some pictures popped up today.

 "I lost that one""

"I felt the back of my head...they tend to bleed a lot. Must have hit some gravel."

I continued taking pictures of myself. Unfortunately, when you have a head injury you don't think clearly. When my daughter suggested I go to the ER I told her "heads bleed a lot. If it doesn't stop, I will go in."

It did stop bleeding and the four of us sat down and ate dinner. It's disturbing to me to think we did this and I never even changed my clothes. I'm sure my family really didn't know what to do. I've always been pretty self sufficient and they trusted me when I said "I'm okay."

Shortly after dinner, I went to bed.  In the morning, I got out of bed and realized things were NOT normal. I couldn't walk straight. I was dizzy. I ran into the wall. I was scared. I got up and sat in a chair waiting for Michael to wake up.

When he did, I told him I thought I needed to to go the ER as something was wrong. So he took me.  After many hours and tests, the doctors suggested I stay over night for observation since I still walked like a drunken sailor no matter how hard I focused and tried to walk a straight line down the hallway.

I sat there as my sweet husband told them, "no she wants to go home." I was confused. We had not discussed this, nor had I said this. Later I realized he was going off of my "normal" self.  I don't like taking meds I want to be at home etc. But this time, I hear his voice saying "No she wants to go home" and my head is spinning. I want to say, "no! something is terribly wrong! Please don't send me home, nobody is there to take care of me." But I say nothing. I sit there. I'm confused. I desperately want someone to take care of me. I vaguely recall when I was last under anesthesia for a bone graft and post placement for a dental implant. Apparently on the way home I wanted a Starbucks and I had to go to the bathroom. I have absolutely no recollection of it, but was told later that I went into the store by myself wearing the icepack around my head. Later at home I asked about the icepack and where it was and was told, well you took it off. This is from someone who trusts me and trusts that I have a clue what I'm doing. When you are under anesthesia or head injury or many other instances, the person no matter how trustworthy, cannot be trusted. They need someone to take care of them, to make decisions for them, to help them, to step in when they aren't really making sense and even when they are they still need help.

I was scared, but reluctantly went home.  I slept 8-10 hours at night, then would take a 4-6 hour nap every day. This is so not me.  After a few days knowing something was terribly wrong, I asked to be taken to the doctor. True to my normal self, my sweet husband drove me but then dropped me off thinking I'd prefer to go by myself. Yes, under normal circumstances, but these were not normal times. I don't recall him even asking just assuming I was my normal self. Sadly, because of my head injury I wasn't able to express myself and I was scared to tell him I couldn't go by myself. I felt like such a failure. I got out of the car and went to the appointment myself.

I will end here as I don't see a reason to continue about the failures of my doctors and my own failures not being able to advocate for myself. The reason I am posting is to say, if you have a loved one who has a possible head injury do NOT trust what they say or what is their usual normal. Please get them help and help them in every way you can. If they get angry/beligerent and that is not their normal, please know it is not them it is the injury.

Miss Me

I miss writing. I miss blogging. I miss me. That's right, I miss me.

I went to San Diego at the end of January and came home sick. I'm still sick. The weird thing is that a few days ago I looked in the mirror and I did not recognize the face I was looking at. Seriously. I studied it and I didn't remember it.

Have you ever known an old person that you never knew when they were young? You see a picture of their younger self and you don't recognize that face as they've always looked the way they do now to you. 

That is the face I saw looking at me in the mirror. It was as if this gentle, older lady, with kind eyes but no eye lashes smiled sweetly at me. But it wasn't me. Who is that?

For the next couple of days, I did the same thing looking into that mirror. I was kind of confused. How could I change overnight? I mean, I am being treated for pre cancerous skin lesions and a squamous carcinoma on my face but could it make me look unrecognizable?

It makes me kind of sad that I don't see myself. Will it always be this way? Just curious, am I the only one who has experienced this? I've never heard anyone else talk about it. Let me know if you have any insight.

Thanks peeps.

The Little Things

I called my dad tonight. Earth shattering, I know. I was cleaning up the kitchen and took the time to set the coffee pot to brew that special elixir for when I need to wake up in the morning-an hour before last friday and several hours before I would normally crawl out of bed.

I programed the coffee maker, but instead of the set button pushed start. A few seconds later I hear it starting to brew. I immediately shut it off. What to do? Let it finish brewing and rewarm in the morning or leave it half-brewed and let it finish in the morning? I was frustrated. What to do?

I called my dad. Funny thing. Instead of sitting at home, watching the ball game as I'd expect, he and mom were eating dinner. At a restaurant. Sheesh, sorry dad, but this is what happened, what should I do? Let the coffee finish brewing and reheat in the morning or stop it, even though it already started, and let it finish in the morning?

Like I said. Earth shattering.

Sometimes, sometimes when life is difficult, when you've had too many major decisions to make, you fall apart on the easy ones. You look to your your dad, or mom for help. It's like you are a little kid again and you just want them to fix everything for you.  Sometimes though, they can't. But it is who you turn to.

It's funny, the coffee pot I have is the one my mom and dad bought me years ago. I quit using it in favor of cold brew coffee-less acid and superb for creating a most perfect latte. But after a last minute trip to visit my mom and dad in July, I began to rethink my coffee habits. Every morning Dad and I drank fresh brewed coffee and sometimes reheated the next day. My stomach felt better with the black elixir, hot or reheated than when I drink lattes.

The phone call was probably not about the coffee at all. It was about the connection, the love. I want to know I am doing okay, that I haven't failed at everything, that it is okay to reheat the coffee even though I was going for fresh brewed. It's okay that I have to get up at an ungodly hour, its for a good reason. Did I mention someone I know was driving his motorcycle home from work on Thursday night, hit a deer, and yesterday passed from this life? Two boys lost their father. I don't know what today or tomorrow holds. I'm thankful that I know who holds my hand. I'm thankful that I can call my dad and ask him about coffee.

Miss You

I miss being here. I miss being real. So much has happened in my life and I miss being able to share my experiences. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and I just might come back and start blogging again. I need to process and what better way than here. I miss connecting here. I miss me.

No Title

Sometimes, you look for a friend, and there is none.

Sometimes, you need a listening ear and there is none.

Sometimes, you are at the edge, you wonder if anyone cares, and there is no one.

And then...

there is a whisper....

He is a friend,

He is a listening ear,

He cares,

He is more than someone,

His name is Jesus.

Seasons

October, how did we get here? The days are hazy, blurred together. Is summer really over?

The sun is setting. Darkness on the horizon. Brilliant colors, proclaiming death is on the way.

Shorter days, darkness descends, I'm not ready to let go.

Look, beautiful flowers, leaves changing to red, gold, yellow and hues of Autumn mix.

Darker and darker comes the night.

Where are the long, bright days of summer, so filled with life?

Death is upon us. Cold, dark, dreary. I shake it off, as if I could.

It's cold. Shadows long. Leaves blowing, crackling in the wind.

I hate you Fall. You can't fool me. You blow in cold, dreary, darkness, death.

I hang on to summer with all my might. I can't. I will embrace the blinding light of winter snow, but for now, I suffer dark.

Not Having Fun

I arrived as usual, fifteen minutes early. I signed in, while the two people at the desk were dealing with patients checking out. I sat down and waited. Must be lunch hour as I was the only other person in the waiting room. I waited.

I checked my phone, perused my surroundings of advertisements for skin care, all the while, the two receptionists chatted about lunch. From what I gathered, lunch had been provided and they carried on about how it tasted, how salty certain items were. I learned one of them couldn't tolerate salty foods and had swollen joints from arthritis and had to be careful. Blah, blah, blah. I was surprised neither had bothered to call me to the desk for check in.

I've been seeing this doctor for 10 years, when I had my first bout with skin cancer. Initially the visits were every 3 month, now twice a year. My doctor works on a tight schedule. I've never been kept waiting. In spite of this, I've never felt rushed while in his office. We talk. I know about his family, and he about mine. We are the same age. He is very caring.

It feels like I've been waiting much longer than usual. I hear whispers. "Did you check her in?"
"No, I think she signed in, though." I hear shuffling of papers. More whispering. I figure they will call me up any moment to ask for my insurance card and ID. The back door opens and I hear my name called.

It doesn't take long before my doctor appears. First thing he does is ask how my family is doing. We chat for a moment and he asks the name of my grandsons and says he will be praying. He then goes to work zapping spots on my skin that look suspicious. Right on time, he finishes. We say good bye and I'm ready to leave with my skin on fire.

At the checkout desk, I'm asked for my $30 co-pay. Nope, I inform the receptionist, I have new insurance and I know full well that my co-pay is considerably more. As I'm retrieving my insurance card, she informs me that there is nothing in my chart about a new insurance. I explain that nobody checked me in. She argues that someone most certainly did and his name is right in my chart. Nope, it never happened. She takes my card, shakes her head, and hands it back.

"We don't accept this insurance. They should have told you when you checked in."

"Nobody checked me in."

"Well, you will have to pay the cash price because we don't accept this."

As it frequently happens, I fight back tears. Can I have one day that I don't cry? Just one? I take a deep breath.  Sounding annoyed, the receptionist says, "I will have to check with your provider. I don't even know what the cash price is. Everyone has insurance. Go sit down while I try to find him."  I take a seat in the waiting area again.

 I struggle to keep from crying. I don't understand why this is so hard. Obamacare, the affordable care act was supposed to provide for everyone. What has this provided for me and my family? Huge, hefty payments every month but not much coverage.

She returns and calls me back to the desk. I swipe at the tears. "Well, he is just going to charge you for an office visit, but not for any of the procedures." Silently I hand her my credit card. "Be thankful you didn't have any biopsies done today, " she snaps, "those would have been very expensive."  I don't know how to respond. She then questions me, "did you know we didn't accept your insurance before you got here?" Seriously? To cover someone else's mistake she's trying to blame me? I am made to feel as if I am taking advantage. As if I came into this office with the intent to get free services knowing full well my insurance was worthless here. I reply, "I had no idea. Nobody checked me in." Her disbelief was obvious. She took my payment and I left.

Once outside, I could not hold back the tears. I was thankful. Thankful for a doctor who knows me, who canceled the charges I couldn't afford. A doctor who cares. Ultimately, the receptionist's mistake most likely saved me a lot of money. It was yet another humiliating experience with my laughable, I mean affordable care insurance. I hope to not have too many more of these.



"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Pet. 5:7

Laughable, Except It Is Not

After dinner, I took Ethan and ran up to the store to retrieve my meds from the pharmacy. I knew my doctor had sent over 6 or so prescriptions and I didn't need all of them right away. Unsure which ones my insurance (via the afforable care act insurance) would cover, I chose two that I needed right away and figured the rest would have to wait.

At the counter I explained my situations to the pharmacist. I could not afford all of the meds my doctor prescribed yesterday, so could I just get pick up two? After I told him the first of the two, his brow furrowed. Click, click, click on his computer. After a few minutes, he said, "your insurance doesn't cover that one." How is that possible? It is a generic. It's only been generic for a few years. It wasn't that long ago when I had to pay out-of-pocket, until-I-met-my-deductible and spent $1200 for a 3 month supply. This is generic, how expensive could it be?

I told him I'd have to pay the cash price then. How much would that be? Again, after much clicking on his keyboard and re-asking me my birthdate, etc., he replied, "$1400."

Hot tears filled my eyes. I swiped to hold them back. I glanced at Ethan, and I could tell he was concerned. "I don't want that one." I told the pharmacist. Choking back tears, I attempted to tell him the one other medicine I did want, knowing already that I would have to pay the cash price.

Click, click, click, okay, that one was only $200. Wait a minute! I paid out-of-pocket for that one and the pharmacist gave me a discount last month and it was more expensive then. WTH????

Struggling to find the words while wiping away the tears, I told him yes, I did want that one. Well, it wasn't ready, it will be 30 minutes. But he did have 5 other prescriptions ready for me. No, I don't want any others. If  I wanted to spend money I'd have done everything I could for the first one. No, put the others back. I don't want them. I really want and need the one I can't afford.

Ethan is patting me on the back. I feel badly that I have upset him. I try to finish my shopping but can't stop the tears running so freely down my cheeks. I keep thinking someone is going to stop me, to ask me if I am okay. Nobody does. But I see them looking. Ethan tried many times more to reassure me. I try to reassure him. Gramma is okay. She's just sad. Sad and frustrated. But it's okay buddy. Here let's get ice cream. It will be okay.

Life

"God of our life, there are days when the burdens we carry chafe our shoulders and weigh us down; when the road seems dreary and endless, the skies grey and threatening; when our lives have no music in them, and our hearts are lonely, and our souls have lost their courage.

Flood the path with light; run our eyes to where the skies are full of promise; tune our hearts to brave music; give us the sense of comradeship with heroes and saints of every age; and so quicken our spirits that we may be able to encourage the souls of all who journey with us on the road of life, to Your honor and glory"
Augustine

Two can accomplish more than twice as much as one, for the results can be much better. Ecclesiastes 4:9

I could not be who I am

 nor do what I do,

 if it wasn't for my two.

This man means so much to me. 

He is my better half. 

My rock, my stabilizer, 

the man who encourages me, 

loves me, 

supports me, 

and gives his all for not only me, 

but his kids and grandkids. 

I love you Michael! 

Thanks for all you do, 

all you are, 

for giving when you have nothing left to give, 

yet keep on giving. 

You complete me. 

I love you with every part of my being.

Happy Mother's Day

Thinking of my mom today, and wishing I was with her. So many memories and so much to be thankful for. Most of all, I want to thank my mom for her unconditional love.

(Mom 2013)

"Love is patient and kind." 

(Me 4 years)

Mom, thank-you for your constant patience and kindness. I don't ever remember a time where you became impatient with me and it resulting in you being unkind. The memory that comes to mind is one from elementary school. I walked home for lunch as we often did. I told you I forgot it was my day to share a science experiment with the class. As a mom myself, I'm afraid I would have been a little more than irritated and not shown much patience or kindness. But I never sensed any of that from you. You took the time to help me think of something I could do. You helped me learn the properties and reactions of talcum powder and water and we experimented with other substances until we came up with an interesting experiment.  

(Me and Mom 1980)

"Love is not jealous or boastful or proud  or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

It would take too long to post memories of all the attributes of unconditional love, but Mom you embody them all and the greatest gift you ever gave me was showing me God's amazing grace and love in everything you did. So thankful to God that He gave me to you.
I love you Mom.

Health

Boring title, I know. Years ago my sister warned me that as we aged, I was not allowed to talk about health problems, aches and pains, etc. Neither of us was allowed, as she said it was a sure sign of being "old." My grandma passed away at 80. She never complained about her numerous ailments. She had a younger sister who did. She told me once (or more than once) that if her sister, Rose, would quit complaining her life would be so much better. "I love my sister, but hearing about her aches and pains constantly is depressing. Makes me want to not spend time with her." Grandma was a wise woman. So is my sister.

Having said that, I'm not about to complain....at least not about my health. What I will tell you is for some time we have not been able to afford health insurance. Imagine that. We finally gave in and applied for the laughable, I mean affordable care act insurance. I don't know how anyone could call it affordable.

One of my prescriptions, I have not been taking regularly as it is too expensive. I was happy to have it refilled now that we have insurance. At the pharmacy, I handed the clerk my new insurance card. After inputing my information into his computer, he apologized. "I'm sorry, Ma'am, but your insurance doesn't cover this medication." He turned to the pharmicist to ask if there was a generic alternative. Turns out there is not. That's unfortunate. I will have to work for 4 days a month to pay for this medication. Guess I will go back to taking as little as possible of it, to stretch it out and hope it works enough.

Sigh.

Guess I shouldn't complain about health issues or health insurance. Thanks Grandma and Carolyn.

Truthfully,

Joanne

"Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." 1 Thes. 5:18

Dropped

Recently a friend inquired whether or not I felt like God had dropped me. She wasn't accusing, insinuating, or even believing this. She merely wanted to know if that is how I felt. Tears filled my eyes, as it so frequently happens these days.

I reassured my friend that I did NOT feel like God had dropped me. Two days prior, a memory popped into my mind. I cried that day too, at least a few times.

Twenty-five years ago, I took my youngest child to church for the first time. She was two weeks old. After service, I picked her up from the nursery, then went to gather the other four from their various classrooms. Somehow, as I was stepping down the concrete steps to the gym, I lost my footing. It's amazing how quickly things go through your mind in a moment of distress. As I tumbled, I wondered if my dress would end up over my head with everyone watching. Not really. I thought of that later. The only thought I had was protecting my newborn baby and not letting go of her. I couldn't catch myself or break my fall. Both arms remained wrapped around this precious child.

I quickly gathered myself and picked the two of us up off the floor. Amazingly,  were both unhurt, except for a bit of my pride. A week or so later, I was praying. I was struggling with feeling unimportant, unloved, and neglected. In His still small voice the Lord asked me, "have you ever dropped one of your little ones?" Instantly I remembered falling down the stairs, and yet, I did not drop my little one. He told me He too would never drop one of His little ones and I was one of His own. He brought to mind a verse in scripture,

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you. See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."

A week before my friend asked me if I felt God dropped me, I was at a low point. The Lord graciously dropped this reminder into my heart. I had forgotten about both the incident and His promise. What a blessed reassurance to know that He feels the same loving card towards me as I do about my own. I can trust that He is always looking out for me and will never let me go.

Truthfully,

Joanne

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Little Things

Sometimes we complain about how difficult life is or let the little things get us down. A few minutes ago, as I was putting on my pajamas , I looked down. I was wearing my last clean pair of socks. I had just removed my last clean shirt. Ugh! What will I wear tomorrow? I have an appointment.

Normally, I'd run downstairs and throw in a load of laundry. These days it's not that easy. Earlier I ran a couple of loads of laundry, as I usually do. My daughter and her husband rent our basement.To give them privacy and space, I try not to do laundry at night. It's enough that I'm down there most days doing a load or two or three.

As I was rummaging through my closet to see if I could find a spare shirt, I was reminded of a time when I didn't own a washing machine. I was 19 years old and a brand new mommy. I would fill a pillowcase with dirty laundry. Lugging the bag over one shoulder, and baby in the other arm, I'd walk two blocks to the laundromat. I purchased individual packets of soap from the dispensing machines. It was fine that I couldn't afford to buy a big bottle of detergent. I would never have been able to carry it.

Thinking back to this time, I realize I have nothing to complain about as far as laundry goes. Sure, it might be inconvenient to intrude on my daughter and her family, but I do own a washer and dryer, and multiple bottles of detergent and fabric softener. I don't have to drag my dirty laundry down the street and pay for every single load to wash and dry.  Thankful for the little things today.

Truthfully,

Joanne

"And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:19

New Day

So happy. I finished well. I actually miss being in class Go figure. 

In other news, have you ever had a day where you thought to yourself, "when was the last time I had a good cry?" That used to be me. My story now is, "I cannot for the life of me remember a day when I didn't dissolve into tears at least once." For someone who does not cry easily or frequently, I can't seem to stop the flow. 

I started this post last week. I never finished it. I don't intend to finish it now. Instead, I direct you to my daughter's blog. From there you can follow her family's journey and read about Jonathan. 

https://wholeheartmiracle.wordpress.com/2017/04/08/the-road-ahead/

Truthfully,

Joanne

You are the God of miracles and wonders! You still demonstrate your awesome power. Ps. 77:14

A Psalm

 I cry to the Lord; I call and call to him. Oh, that he would listen.  I am in deep trouble and I need his help so much. All night long I pray, lifting my hands to heaven, pleading. There can be no joy for me until he acts.  I think of God and moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help. I cannot sleep until you act. I am too distressed even to pray!

I keep thinking of the good old days of the past, long since ended. Then my nights were filled with joyous songs. I search my soul and meditate upon the difference now.  Has the Lord rejected me forever? Will he never again be favorable? Is his loving-kindness gone forever? Has his promise failed?  Has he forgotten to be kind to one so undeserving? Has he slammed the door in anger on his love?  And I said: This is my fate, that the blessings of God have changed to hate.  I recall the many miracles he did for me so long ago. Those wonderful deeds are constantly in my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about them.

(Ps. 77:1-12)

Thankfully, it doesn't end there.

O God, your ways are holy. Where is there any other as mighty as you?  You are the God of miracles and wonders! You still demonstrate your awesome power.

Waiting on the Lord for His answers and miracles.

Finish Well

I hope to be back next week. I'd like to post regularly.  I want to finish well. This Sunday I have a State Exam. I want to finish well. Must study. So much going on, so many changes, so much to do. I want to finish well.

Truthfully,

Joanne

" His lord said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord." (Matt. 25:21)

Thunk Thursday

Haven't done one of these for awhile. My daughter sent this picture from back of a package of baby toys.

Aspen promised not to through these to anyone when with parent accompany.